When Everquest meets LoTR
by Riddly
Summary: This is just some weird story I put together for my friends on EQ.
1. Default Chapter

This takes place during dark times...  
  
Three cans of Spam for the guild officers collection  
  
Seven for the guild members in their rejected ways  
  
Nine for the spammers doom to Spam  
  
One for dark dwarfy-dude on his throne of spammers  
  
In the land of midgets where the shadows lie...  
  
Bradven: How close are the dwarfyian-dude forces to our border?  
  
Aeion: They're getting closer sir! I think it may be time to call out our secret weapons.  
  
Bradven: Very well! *Presses intercom button* Bring in the drunks!  
  
Negativeawn: Ou aled fo me?  
  
Bradven: Get yourself together man! Where is Ddracco?  
  
Ddracco: Ere ir!  
  
Bradven: Aeion... they're going to need some help. Bring in back up!  
  
*Ganes, Snugger, Spirithunter, Pantalaimon, Kutter, Korinaar, Kaoak walk in*  
  
Bradven: Thank you all for showing up. As you may already know the dwarfyian-dude forces are closing in. We need to the nine of you to go where not many have gone before... The land of Midgets....  
  
All: *Gasp*  
  
Bradven: *heroic music comes on* You sha-  
  
Aeion: Sir! The messenger has just returned! They are sending the dreaded uber l33t people after us!  
  
Bradven: Dang it! Can't I have my good guy moment!!!  
  
Aeion: Sorry sir...  
  
Bradven: *Ahem* As I was saying... You shall be called the fellowship of the Spam! Now go and throw the one can of Spam into the fires of mount l33t!  
  
All: Yes sir!  
  
Little did Bradven know that Sauronis aka dark dwarfy-dude had his own secret weapon...  
  
Sauronis: Bwhahahahaha! Those fools think they can beat me?! Turielaen! How is my army coming?  
  
Turielaen: The uber l33t forces seem to be doing well your great shortness.  
  
Sauronis: Seem....! I don't want you to seem! I want to know! Send in Cendy!  
  
Cendy: You called your shortness?  
  
Sauronis: Duh I called! *ahem* Have you gotten those fire wands working?  
  
Cendy: You mean this one? *Points the fire rod at Sauronis* and you say 'roast' to mak-  
  
Sauronis: *smokes and sizzles*  
  
Cendy: Oops... 


	2. Holy mother of orcs!

Bradven: Aeion! Where is Glaydor at?  
  
Aeion: I believe he went to try and stop the dreaded l33t troops sir.  
  
Bradven: Oh... well in that case. *Pulls out his walkie talkie* Pink rabbit you there? over.  
  
Glaydor: *static* Pink rabbit here. We're able to hold them off for now over.  
  
Bradven: Good. Blue mouse you there? over. *10 minutes later* BLUE MOUSE?! You read me?  
  
Cortez: Roger! A gang of orcs attacked me sir!  
  
Orc leader Gromite: ooooo! look at ta goodie guy me has found!  
  
Cortez: I need back up sir!  
  
Bradven: I can't help you right now, try calling the Founders of Honor hotline!  
  
Cortez: Roger! *Dials the number*  
  
Computer voice: Hello! Welcome to the Founders of Honor hotline!  
  
Cortez: Ahhhhhh! Get back you orcs! *swings his sword*  
  
Orc leader Gromite: Bwhahahahahahaha!!!! You gonna be in me dinner later!  
  
Cortez: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! DANGIT! Work you dumb hotline!!!!  
  
Computer voice: Press 1 if you would like to make a message. Press 2 if you would like to talk to a live person. Press 3 if there is a hoard of orcs about to turn you into stew and you need back up.  
  
Cortez: *Presses 3* C'mon! Ahhhhh! *Blocks an attack from Gromite*  
  
Computer: We're sorry. All lines are busy, please enjoy our company music while you wait.  
  
Orc leader Gromite: ooooo! Me like da that funny noise!  
  
Cortez: ARG!!!  
  
Back at midgit land....  
  
Sauronis: Turielaen! Remove those fire wands from Cendy before I lose more of my beard!  
  
Truielaen: Yes your shortness.  
  
Cendy: Hey! I worked hard on these! I see how it is! Trying to get the master to like you more isn't it!  
  
Truielaen: Shut up... *Waves her hand and Cendy gets locked into the tower prison* Muhahah...err... yeah...  
  
Calgoran: Sir! Bradvens units are keeping our forces back!  
  
Sauronis: What?! Use plan B then.  
  
Calgoran: We already used it sir!  
  
Sauronis: Plan C then!  
  
Calgoran: ......  
  
Sauronis: D? E? F???? *10 minutes later* Plan X?!  
  
Calgoran: Right sir! Plan X will be started right away!  
  
Sauronis: WTF....  
  
Our fellowship starts out finally on their mission.Though thet are having issues...  
  
Pantalaimon: Stop staring at me!  
  
Kaoak: No you stop staring at me!  
  
Ganes: Will you both shut up?!  
  
Pantalaimon/Kaoak: NO!  
  
Ganes: Spirit! Make then stop!  
  
Spirithunter: Now kids...  
  
Snugger: Like that's gonna work...  
  
Spirithunter: Oh! You think you can get them to shut up?! Go ahead! Hmph!  
  
Snugger: Listen up you little brats! I'll claw you to death then glue fur balls I cough up on you if you don't shut up!  
  
Pantalaimon/Kaoak/Ganes: *silence*  
  
Korinaar: Nice job.  
  
Snugger: Thanks.  
  
Spirithunter: *grumbles* 


	3. Not there!

The fellowship has finally stopped arguing for the moment...  
  
Kutter: Ok this way guys!  
  
Kaoak: Dude! That leads to... the mines of email!  
  
Kutter: I have it covered. I have the staff and the pointy hat!  
  
Ganes: We're toast...  
  
Korinaar: Yes! Finally we go somewhere that will help us! I'm sure the dwarves in the mines of email will help us out!  
  
Pantalaimon: We need to get there first you walking band-aid.  
  
Korinaar: Walking band-aid am I?! I remember saving you  
  
elven arse a few times!  
  
All: *Starts fighting again*  
  
Seems our heroes can't stop fighting to Sauronis's joy  
  
Sauronis: Thuldar? Where are you!  
  
Thuldar: I'm here sir!  
  
Sauronis: Good! Go with Turielaen and spy on the Spam people.  
  
Thuldar: At once sir! *He goes off with Turie to spy on the fellowship*  
  
Our heroes learn something very... odd  
  
Kaoak: I sense something...  
  
Ganes: Was probably those orc-tacos you had...eww..  
  
Kaoak: No! I'm serious!  
  
Spirithunter: Was it just me or did those bushes move?  
  
Snugger: Holy Johosophat! Either those bushes are moving away from us or it's the dwarfy-dudes spies decked out in camo!  
  
The bad guys have been spotted.  
  
Turielaen: Thuldar get off my foot! They see us! Haul some arse! MOVE IT!!!!  
  
Thuldar: Yes ma'am!  
  
Turielaen: Red bird to fluff bunny over.  
  
Sharclaw: Fluff bunny here, what's wrong?  
  
Turielaen: Have Sauronis teleport us back to Midget land! I have the fellowship after Thuldar and me. Oh.. by the way! I have a friggen bush up my robe!  
  
Sharclaw: Yikes! Calm down Red bird. His shortness will have you out of there in no time.  
  
Thuldar: Green monguse here. HELP ME! Red bird is beating me with a bush! I told her I was sorry for cooking pop-corn in my portable mircowave while we were spying on the fellowship.  
  
Sharclaw: Fluff bunny to Green monguse. You're dead bud, have a nice day though. *click*  
  
Our heros chase the two spies into the mines of email...  
  
Ganes: I'm scared! I don't like dark underground places with orcs and cave trolls and a *gasp* Spamrog!  
  
Kaoak: Ganes chill!  
  
Ganes: Didn't you see my score on the fear test! *clings to Spirithunter*  
  
Pantalaimon: Good grief... I don't know how you were picked to be the spam bearer Ganes....  
  
Kutter: Leave Ganes alone, we lost the spies. Looks like we're going to have to go through the mines of email... *Makes his staff glow*  
  
Negativeawn: Lot of dead things here eh Ddrac?  
  
Ddracco: Aye Neg. 


	4. *Twitch*

Deep within the mines of email, our heroes come to the tomb of Microsoft.  
  
Korinaar: NO! What happened here?!  
  
Ganes: This place is creepy...  
  
Pantalaimon: Yeah, I've noticed that dead people/computer parts everywhere is creepy!  
  
Spirithunter: Chill you two! Don't make me take away your  
  
Spam!  
  
Ganes/Pantalaimon: *Wide-eyed*  
  
Kutter: What do we have here... *picks up an old book* -We are locked inside, we can't get out... typing... typing in the deep... they are coming...-  
  
Ganes: Geez Kutter! Think you could make us any more depressed?!  
  
Kutter: Sorry...  
  
Negativeawn: Look at this blown up computer part by this old well! Hmm... *touches the piece accidently knocking it down the well* oops...  
  
Pantalaimon: Throw yourself in next time Neg...  
  
While our heros were freaked out and fought with each other, Sauronis was making more plans...  
  
Sauronis: Bwhahahahaahahaha! the fellowship is doomed now! I have Kineada the white on my side! (hint hint wink wink)  
  
Anaca: Sir! I've finally found you! *hugs and kisses Sauronis*  
  
Sauronis: GAH! Get away woman!  
  
Anaca: I'm hurt Saur... didn't all those dang spam cans I helped you make mean anything?!  
  
Sauronis: No, now what is the magic report?  
  
Anaca: Bastar- err...! I mean... yeah... Anyway! all the fire wands are set up on the roof of your tower.  
  
Sauronis: Ok, begone!  
  
Anaca: HMPH! Be that way your shortness  
  
The dark dwarfy-dude of evil doesn't seem to have a way with women. Sucks for him. Back to our nutty commander.  
  
Bradven: *Looks through a telescope* What is that on the dwarfy- dudes tower... Fireworks????  
  
Aeion: Sir, I don't think the dwarfy-dude would aim fireworks at our tower... ok maybe he would...  
  
Bradven: Ha! Anyway.. *pulls out walkie talkie* Brown duck you there, over.  
  
Skyport: Roger! You're not gonna believe what I found!  
  
Bradven: ....what...?  
  
Skyport: Some blue chick saying she new all the dwarfy-dudes plans! Want me to bring her up?  
  
Bradven: Let me think.... YES!  
  
Skyport: Ok ok! Don't get so touchy! 


	5. Let's roast some marshmallows!

Our heroes start to hear a quacking noise getting closer...  
  
Ganes: We're gonna die! My sword is glowing blue... ya'll know what that means!  
  
Kaoak: Rubber ducks!  
  
Snugger: Pants! Help me bar the door! *Pantalaimon and her get the door closed and locked with axes*  
  
Rubber duck army: *Starts to bash on the door*  
  
All: *Pulls out swords/axes/nock arrows  
  
Rubber duck army: *Makes a small hole in the door which earns them arrows stuck in them by Kaoak and Pantalaimon*  
  
Kutter: CHARGE!!!!  
  
Rubber duck army: *Breaks down the door and fights the fellowship.*  
  
Bradven tries to get some information out of the 'blue' woman.  
  
Bradven: What do you know about the dwarfy-dudes plans?  
  
Anaca: Only that you and your tower will be burnt to a crisp in oh... *looks at her watch* 5 minutes...  
  
Bradven: WHAT?!  
  
Anaca: Those blowtorches on his roof aren't for decoration you know.  
  
Bradven: We have to stop it! How can I stop them?  
  
Anaca: Easy, just put a reflective force field around your tower. The flames will bounce back at his tower.  
  
Bradven: Muhahahahaha! *sets up force field*  
  
Cendy is finally let out of prison.  
  
Cendy: Thanks for letting me out your shortness...  
  
Sauronis: I didn't do it for you, I need you to start the fire wands. Bradven must be stopped!  
  
Cendy: Yes sir! *Follows Sauronis up to the roof of the tower* Here we go! *starts wands and laughs as flames shoot for Bradvens tower*  
  
At the good guy tower...  
  
Bradven: Aeion! Here it comes!  
  
Aeion: Aye sir! *Pulls out a bag of marshmallows*  
  
Bradven: What are you doing?  
  
Aeion: Going to roast some marshmallows!  
  
Bradven: -_- *flames hits the tower and is shot right back at Sauronis's tower* BWHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
At the bad guy tower...  
  
Sauronis: What the?! O.o AHHHHHHH!!! *Gets roasted along with Cendy*  
  
Cendy: Oops...  
  
Calgoran: Sir! The light show you did is working! Bradven's troops are falling back!  
  
Sauronis: Muhahaha *cough* haha *hack* ugh... 


	6. Football game underground

Moria Raiders against the Fellowship Nine. Going to be one hell of a football game...  
  
Kutter: C'mon guys! We have the rubber ducks beaten for now. To the bridge of Spamadum!  
  
All: *Starts running down the huge hallway only to get surrounded by rubber ducks*  
  
Unknown thingy: *Boom*  
  
Ganes: What's that?!  
  
Unknown thingy *Louder boom*  
  
Pantalaimon: What is it Kutter?!  
  
Kutter: It's a Spamrog... RUN!!!!!  
  
Spamrog: *Pops up in front of the fellow ship with some rubber duck warriors*  
  
Ganes: We have to keep the one can of spam away from it! Spirit! Go long!!!  
  
Spirithunter: *Runs past the Spamrog and rubber ducks with her hands in the air*  
  
Rest of the fellowship but Ganes: *Tackles rubber ducks so Ganes can throw the can of spam*  
  
Ganes: *Waits until Spirit is past the Spamadum bridge then throws the one can of spam to her.*  
  
Spirithunter: *Catches the can of spam*  
  
All: TOUCH DOWN!!!!!  
  
Spamrog: I don't think so! *Knocks the fellowship out of the way and runs for Spirithunter*  
  
Spirithunter: OMG!!!!! *Throws the one can of spam to Snugger.*  
  
Snugger: *Catches the can of spam* Hehehehe!!! OOF!!! *Gets tackled on the 15th rubble line*  
  
Spamrog: Bwhahahahahahahaha!!! *Grabs the one can of spam and runs for his side of the bridge*  
  
Negativeawn: You wish Sparky! *Aims his slingshot at the Spamrog and shoots the spit wad of doom at it*  
  
Spamrog: Noooo!!!! I'm melting!!!  
  
Ganes: Wrong movie dude....  
  
Spamrog: Oh! *Jumps down the crack under the Spamadum bridge*  
  
All: YAY!!!  
  
Sauronis starts to make his 'special' breed of people.  
  
Sauronis: How are the Ubnewb army coming?  
  
Queenlita: Quite well sir! The uber and newbie people mix well.  
  
Sauronis: Good, good.... 


End file.
